Letter to My Brother

Dear  K,

I am sorry if I shouted at you just minutes ago.   Sorry if I turned into a madwoman crying, but this is so hard for me to take.

It is your birthday,  this should be a happy day.  But you woke me up at 12 midnight with skype messages telling me you can no longer do this, that you want this to be over.  And you tell me gusto mong ibangga ang kotse mo para matapos na ito.

I promised you as only a sister who loves you more than anything in the world can, that that I would be here, I would listen, I would talk you through anything, just call me when you need someone to talk to and I will be there.

But you waking me up at 12 midnight, on your birthday, threatening to end your life is too much.  Sorry if I shouted at you in skype, but how could you be so selfish as to wake me up and make me feel so utterly  incapable and  helpless?  How can you be so selfish  with no regard to what I am feeling, or to what Mom and Dad would feel at your thoughts?

We are doing our best, K.  But your healing will take time.  And I am pissed off because you want so much to get better and yet the first thing you do after getting your meds  and your therapy protocol is to run off to LB so you missed taking your meds.   You tell me you hear voices in your head.  It´s the depression talking,  it´s  why you need help,  it´s why we are doing our best to be here for you.  Dad, me, Mom.  Despite my conflict with Dad,  I emailed him for help because I want us to be united in  helping you.   Do you know that today, Mom and Dad talked for the first time in years?  They talked about your medicines,  how to supervise you so that you  don´t miss out on your meds.  And Dad trusted you enough to allow you to drive on your own to LB after your psych. session  because you wanted to see your best friends and you promised that you´d take care of yourself and that you´d come home early in time for your meds.

You know what I felt like telling you while I listen to you crying, telling me you´ve had it and you just want to end everything? I wanted to ask,  Why?    Why do you torture me this way?  I am trying to give my all in helping you BUT  WHY IS IT NOT ENOUGH ?   Why do I have to carry this on my own?  You tell me,  as I shout at you, mad and crying,  Please ate do not shout at me, ikaw na lang ang kakampi ko.   Yes, I know,  Ikaw lang din ang kakampi ko kaya galit na galit ako sa mga sinabi kasi I have been here with you all through your heartaches  I have always been here for you.   I have always tried to conquer  my own pains and hide them from you and Mom so that you two would have someone to count on, someone you can depend.  Why then, despite of all my efforts to be strong for you,  why is it not enough?  

I told you, please don´t be selfish.  Please think not only about your pain.  Think of me, who have been here these difficult weeks, I who have spent my four day holiday  at home, so I could talk you through every little twitch of sadness you are feeling.   Please K,  push yourself to be stronger.  For me,  for Mom,  for Dad, for the people who love you.  But most especially, for the future you.

The world is your oyster, Kiko.  Unlike me who has to work hard to earn a living  and  achieve my dreams,  you have  always gotten things the easy way.  You have a brand new car,   you get all the gadgets you want.   You could, if you want, quit work and get the MBA you are contemplating on getting, and Dad will support you.  You can go on trips abroad and someone will foot the bill.    While I on the other hand  have to work hard, live abroad alone so I can get to my dreams.  I have taken full responsibility of providing for Mom so you have the leeway to do what you want.  You have Dad´s full financial support  while I, the good but stubborn daughter works my ass off to prove that I can do it on my own.   And yet I  have never been bitter about this.  I am always thankful that at least you could play your life any which way you want.  To my mind, that´s blessing enough,  that at least one of us gets the benefits of our father´s love.   So why don´t you see how lucky you are to have these privileges?  Please, do not throw away all these advantages,  put them to good use.  Fight the sadness,  I am here, I am always here. 

I get so sad living abroad on my own too, K.  If you only knew,  ang lungkot lungkot mag-isa.  It´s the reason I travel often,  to ease any sadness.  To reinvent my emotions and attitude.  Sometimes I think,  uuwi na lang ako sa Pinas.  I know I would find a good paying job in Pinas.  Pero I have something to prove eh and plans to fulfill.    I made a promise to Mom about fixing the house in Ilocos and  I have my dream of opening  a business, and the easiest way to save for those big expenses is to work abroad, kaya I am still here, toughing it out, kahit minsan sobrang lungkot.

Sometimes, when my arrhythmia strikes, and I wake up in the middle of the night with difficulty in breathing,  I pray, that Lord please,  let me go home po muna to my family.  I want to be with people I love when I go.   And you know, the first thing I was told to avoid  with my arrhythmia is sudden movement and emotional outburst after waking up, when my heart rhythm isn´t as stable.  Pero kanina, wala among pakialam,  sobrang takot ko, galit at desperation sa mga sinasabi mo sa akin.

Natatalo din ako ng lungkot,  K.  There are times na parang wala ring direction ang life path ko.  Pero I try so hard to be tough for  my dreams..  Also for you and Mom, so you are spared any added burdens.

So please be strong.  I am sorry if I blew my top earlier.  But please do not call me again at midnight threatening to kill yourself,  because  I do not deserve it, I have always been here for you throughout all our pain.  I witnessed  and felt the abandonment you kept  mentioning.  Remember I was there too when Dad chose a different life.   Ako pa nga ang nakipag-away for  Mom eh,  and I didn´t care if it meant that I  will be the prodigal daughter who was cut off from everything.   I will never  regret  standing up for the wrong that was done to Mom.  I have also broken someone else´s heart and in the aftermath, had my heart trampled upon too, I know how painful it it is to see your dreams of togetherness  vanish.   I know how difficult it is to let go of dashed plans of forever after.

Sabi mo,  Binigay ko naman lahat ate eh, pero bakit pa ako iniwan?  And the only answer I can give you is the one that I have learned from living my small life.  Ganun talaga eh, sometimes  hindi sapat na nagmahal tayo at binigay natin lahat ng meron tayo. Hindi natin macontrol yung ibang tao, K.  Hindi natin pwedeng ipilit ang gusto natin kung iba naman ang gusto nila para sa kaligayahan nila.  We can only do our best and then accept what comes out of it.  We have no control of other people´s decisions,  but  we can control ourselves, our emotions, how we react to situations.  Yan lang ang kaya nating panghawakan.  Doon ka lang magfocus sa kaya mong icontrol.

Minsan iniisip ko, malapit na rin ang breaking point ko but I am trying my best to be here for you. 

So fight it out, please.   I will do everything in my power to help you, but you have to help yourself too.  I know this is not a happy birthday for you, but I promise,  if we fight this out, next year will be infinitely better.

I cannot tell you enough how much I love you.

Ate