Lessons from C

1. In the months when I was getting treatment for cancer, I was always the youngest one in the waiting rooms.   There were days when I almost felt ashamed. Maybe it was my fault I had cancer.  How come I am the only one here below 50?   But  a few months ago, on a visit to my oncologist,  about a year and a half after my cancer diagnosis and  after getting a clear scan (Yipee!),  I  walked out of the oncology hall just as  young lady in her twenties was walking with her companion. It was obvious from her frail frame, and the cropped hair that she just finished a chemo session.  I wanted to hug her, tell her, hey it's going to be okay!   Living with cancer,and getting treatments really pushes one to rely on once's inner strength.  The pain from the treatments are sometimes too much that  you question yourself  if it is better to just let the disease run its course.  But then you think  about the things that matter - family, the longing to be with them longer, the adventures still waiting for you, your dreams. And you go back again the next day for the next session, and grit your teeth through it. You do it, day after day, despite fears, frustrations and sometimes, despair. You see, every cancer patient is a warrior.

2. I am mighty proud of how I drove myself to my radiotherapy sessions. Most days, my husband drove me, but in the last weeks of my radiotherapy, when he was inundated with work and meetings, I drove myself to the hospital.  It did feel weird, waiting there on my own for my session, surrounded by patients and their carer. I was the only one without a companion. But it also felt liberating.  Having cancer, you basically have to depend on a lot of people -- doctors, nurses, therapists, family. Cancer treatment becomes this big blanket that cloaks all else. Those  90  minutes of driving time gave back a sense of self,  that, I am still me somehow. How I could still be independent, and braver.

3.  I went back to work six weeks after my surgery and worked 50% of my normal  hours. So when I was having radiotherapy,I worked in the morning, and drove myself in the afternoon to  the hospital.   Four months after my surgery, I was back fulltime at work.  Looking back, I wondered if I should have taken it slow. But I also knew this. Work was the one thing that made my post-operative routine feel normal. Even though I was still suffering from brain fog and fatigue due to the post-surgery treatments, knowing that I had to do tasks everyday, with deadlines looming allowed me to not be overwhelmed with morbid thoughts about cancer.  I just had to focus and do what was needed to be done. Work was the perfect distraction.