Tuesday 3 June 2014

Living With Acne and Scars: My Story

Once upon a time, when I was in high school,  I considered myself pretty.  I was tall and people would tell me I looked like Kuh Ledesma / Marina Benipayo / Ruffa Gutierrez, which thinking back now, was weird, because these three beautiful women don´t really resemble each other.  I suppose what they meant then was that I had the dusky color of Kuh Ledesma, the small oriental eyes of Miss Benipayo, and the facial shape of Ruffa.  My cousins and even taxi drivers tried to prod me  to join beauty contests or try out modelling,  but even then, I was a shy introvert and could not for the life of me, think of going out of my comfort zone,  so I retreated to books and doing good in school.

My journey to ugliness came rolling in college.  It must have been the combination of teenage  hormones, the stress of studying engineering at UP and the psychological fear I had going from a small all-girls' school into the free-for-all, do-what-you-like-as-long-as-you-pass-your-exams culture of UP.  Acne became my one constant, unwanted companion  in college.  It marred my face so horridly that even my cousins, those who just a year before were pushing me to join beauty contests,  commented how my face have "changed".  "Change"  being their gentle way of telling me how  I went from pretty to hideous.

It wasn´t for the lack of effort that my college acne wasn´t treated.  I think I went through three dermatologists all throughout my college years.  All three did nothing but prick my skin every single session.  The word "tiis-ganda" was the perfect word to describe the pain a young pubescent girl has to endure in the hands of a dermatologist who pricks her face to get rid of whiteheads, blackheads, and to push out the pus and little balls of dead skin out of those painful, swollen  zits. With all the meds  I was given,   I became an expert in Acne medications --- Clindamycin Solution,  Azelaic Acid, Erythromycin Solution, Acne Aid Soap, Benzac Wash,  Benzoyl Peroxide of all forms, Salicylic Acid and Glycolic Soaps, I have tried them all.  The dermas I saw while in college  have prescribed combinations of these supposed acne fighters in the hope of getting rid of my acne.

But despite trying out three dermas,  nothing totally eliminated my acne.  There were months when it would go from severe to mild and then all of a sudden I would have this massive flareups of zits.  In desperation,  I even tried to self-medicate with benzoyl peroxide.  Covering my face with the stuff every night in the hope of drying out those big, swollen, painful zits fast.  Well,  I learned too late that my skin does not really agree with benzoyl peroxide.  It left me with dry, scaly skin with dark marks.

The painful thing was,  despite all my effort to clear my pimples,  I would  still  hear random people comment on how terrible my acne was.  As if, I didn't know about it.  It was hard to look at the mirror every day, trying to be brave, trying to be dismissive and nonchalant with the burrowed looks and the turning of heads away from my acne bomb of a face.  Imagine what that does to a girl who is in her late teens.  I remember one time hearing someone on the bus say  "Tignan mo yung dalaga o, buhay pa pero parang naagnas ang mukha" then laughter.    Or that time when someone in an escalator looked at me commented, "Yuck pimples!"  loud enough for other people to hear and for them to also  take a look at  my horrendous face.  People would remark," Sayang ka, maganda ka pa man din sana kaya lang bakit nagkaganyan ang mukha mo?"  I  learned to take them all quietly, gritting my tears, thinking, they're rude and harsh and insensitive, but what can I do? What they're saying was the truth.

College was somewhat depressing for me in part  because the course I was taking was incredibly hard,  but more so  because I felt like a walking monster, ugly as hell.  At an age when I should have been enjoying my youth,  I was secretly hoping for a life where I would never need to leave home and show my face to the world.  Because, here´s what I learned while I was in college,  people look at those with physical deformations, from a disability to  severe acne, with a mixture of pity and dismissal, as if  these these flaws render  us  less of  of a person. Yet even though  I had no love life to talk of in college,   I was lucky to be a part of a large group of friends who took me in,  oozing pimples and all.

After college,  I looked for a new dermatologist, and finally! The good doctor, recognizing how severe my acne was and how sensitive I was to harsh topical medications, ordered me to take  a battery of blood lab tests to check if I could take what was then a new revolutionary drug that could help me get rid of acne for good.  The drug, Roaccutane, was potent and could and cause depression, liver problems and high cholesterol so strict doctor's supervision is needed.  Taking Roaccutane for close to a year was not a walk in the park,  but I must say that it started the turnaround of my skin from severe acne to a more manageable breakout cycle.    These days, Roaccutane is a popular dermatologist prescription for those who have moderate to severe acne,  but this is still a potent drug and must be taken with strict monitoring of the dermatologist.


Roaccutane paved the way for my acne to be manageable, but by then my face have been marked by scars. After the acne treatment  came the nearly impossible task of improving the ugly pitted scars on my face.  I think I have tried it all : subcision, diamond peeling, two sessions of Fraxel, deep peelsand skin needling.  But they have not done anything  remarkable to my scars.  Up to this day I carry these pitted scars on my face,  testimony to my terrible bout with acne.

Acne is an awful disease, acne because not only does it destroy your skin  it can also leave you with psychological stigma. More so if you are left with disfiguring scars.    is neverending.  But it is a battle I have learned to live with.  There are people who at even the age of 60 would still  go and jump into the latest hyped treatment to eliminate acne scars.  A few years ago,  I decided that I do not want to go into that cycle again --- hope, dissilussionment, and sadness.  I told myself,  accept your scars, accept that you will never be that flawless beauty people would fawn over.   And so no,  I have said no to all those beauty treatments that subjects one to days and days of downtime,  no to ablative lasers that practically skins you with the slim hope that your inner skin could produce enough collagen to be more supple and to raise your pits.


Not to say that I have stopped using any beauty products,  I am like any other girl who wants a skincare regimen that can make my skin better.  But I know that these skincare regimens can only do so much.  They can make my skin a bit whiter, a bit brighter,  they can help me prevent pimples and wrinkles from appearing,  but I know that they cannot do anything for the deep scars that are already in my face.

Acne and my scarring changed my personality.  And there are still bad days when I wake up, look in the mirror,  and see nothing but these pits,  but these days are  now few and far between.  And everytime I feel this way,.  I tell myself, yes I am flawed,  but I am still beautiful and I have so much to offer to this world.  And I look at what I have accomplished despite these flaws,  and the other things that I can still do and I settle down into  the rational  realisation that,   hey,  my scars, these are my battle marks.  They show how I have conquered something limiting and how I continue to face the world bravely with hope and dreams despite being imperfect.

And that´s the biggest lesson, the biggest gift horrible acne gave me:  You don´t need to be perfect to be  loved,  to be special or to accomplish something.   Life will gives us curveballs.   My curveball in college was  my acne and scars.  And until now the scars are still with me.  My scars are both  sources of consternation  and a metaphor for how we can go on to follow our dreams if we can just take our limitations as they are.   It took years, but now, older and more mature,   I  have finally come to terms with the fact that I will always have imperfect skin.  And that in the scheme of my life,  it´s not really that big a deal and it will not limit me from becoming my best self.



                                          Acne Survivor:  This is me.  Acne scars, flaws and all.




                   My worst side:  I have particularly deep pitted scars on the left side of my face.


Scars will not kill you  but if you let  them, they may kill your spirit. So be vigilant.  Always remember, it is okay to be imperfect. 


51 comments:

  1. My sister's acne was quite bad as well, unlike me. She stopped using all the topical creams and her skin condition improved. She had been advised to try Roaccutan, but decided risking her liver and God knows what was not worth it.
    I think the topical creams out there are too harsh and full or harmful, drying ingredients such as alcohol and most times with them, the remedy is worse than the cure.

    People can be mean to those who are different, yes. In my case, I was tall and chubby growing up and kids my age were quite nasty to me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Marox, I appreciate your reply. Yes there will always be people who are mean to those whom they deem are too different from them, but at a certain point (perhaps due to maturity or age) we do realize that hey it´s your life and you have the sole control so just screw them naysayers and let´s do what makes us happy :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi there, I think your skin looks healthy and glows at the right places now! As a long time lurker of your blog, I must say that truthfully, I've never noticed your scars before! :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi there, Yellow Garfield! Thank you for the comment! I still have pitted scars on my cheeks and they are visible at close range but I´m okay with them now :) I do try to keep my skin in its best possible condition especially now that I am in my thirties :) Thanks for dropping by my blog. Cheers and have a good weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Then a day came when I had solution to all my mishap. I had the crack to clear my face. I knew how to say good bye to that ugly spot. I had the key to re live my life beautifully. This day was when I got to know about the natural remedies that can treat acne scarsat home.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've been using dermalmd scar serum for acne scars on my face that I've had for 7 or more years. I've used it 5 times before bed so far and my scars have reduced dramatically (like 60%). Nothing has ever worked like this before. HIGHLY recommended!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I found this blog after a long time which is really helpful to let understand different approaches. I am going to adopt these new point to my career and thankful for this help.acne aid ราคา

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks for sharing such beautiful information with us. I hope you will share some more information about pimples.Please keep sharing.
    Health Is A Life

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you for sharing with us. want to know more about Acne scar Treatment in Islamabad

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thanks for sharing such a valuable information it was very helpful
    Acne scar treatment in dubai

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank you for the information. I will be reviewing it soon and will let you know if we have any follow-up questions.
    Best Face Scar Removal Surgery Thank you for sending this info. I learned alot from it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you for the information. I will be reviewing it soon and will let you know if we have any follow-up questions.
    Choosing the Best Scar Removal Products Thank you for sending this info. I learned alot from it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thank you for the information. I will be reviewing it soon and will let you know if we have any follow-up questions.
    Acne Scar Treatment Reviews - Doctor Approved Treatments That Work Thank you for sending this info. I learned alot from it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thank you for the information. I will be reviewing it soon and will let you know if we have any follow-up questions.
    Benefits of IPL for Acne Scars Thank you for sending this info. I learned alot from it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks for sharing such a valuable information it was very helpful
    How to treat Acne Scar at Home

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thanks for sharing the informative blog also check out my blog on Acne Scar Treatment

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thanks for this amazing information also check out Acne Scars Treatment in Islamabad

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thanks for this wonderful information also check out Acne Treatment in Islamabad

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thanks for sharing such a valuable information it was very helpful
    Things to Know Before Laser Treatment For Scars

    ReplyDelete
  22. شكرا لك على تقديم المعلومات. أنا أتعلم الكثير الآن.
    علاج ندبات حب الشباب في دبي

    ReplyDelete
  23. Thanks for sharing this information, But I am looking for remedies for removal of acne

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thanks for sharing such a valuable information it was very helpful
    Cost of Derma Roller Treatment in Dubai

    ReplyDelete
  25. Sometimes I feel like I have information overload. Thank you for sending me only the materials I needed about this topic. I am grateful not to have to spend time sorting through stuff that isn't needed.
    Facial Treatment for Acne Scar Cost in Dubai

    ReplyDelete
  26. Acne is a very common problem in adolescent young girls and also in adult women. Acne leaves behind spots, scars and pits. We offer advanced treatment for acne as well as acne scars.

    Acne and scar treatment in Bhubaneswar

    ReplyDelete
  27. thanks for sharing useful information.also visit my blog Facial Treatment for Acne Scar

    ReplyDelete

  28. Nice post. I used to be checking constantly this blog and I am impressed! Extremely useful info particularly the ultimate section 🙂 I take care of such information a lot. I was seeking this certain information for a long time. Thank you and best of luck.
    my first day at school essay

    ReplyDelete
  29. Thank you for sending me the information. It was exactly what we needed.
    What is the Best Treatment for Acne Scars in Dubai

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thanks for your post , i really happy to visit your website ,its really good and design of your website , hait loss really bad in our life visit here to get more details Acne scar specialist

    ReplyDelete
  31. Thanks for sharing this article also visit my site https://ello.co/undersamra/post/n0j3mc8vytcfkzezqhne8w

    ReplyDelete
  32. thanks for sharing this blog please visit my site alsoAcne treatment in Islamabad

    ReplyDelete
  33. Thanks for sharing useful information also check my blogAcne Treatment in Islamabad

    ReplyDelete
  34. Honestly I had extreme scars on my skin acne scars ,blemishes, hyper active acne etc and dermalmd scar removal serum did wonders for my skin . I cant say that it showed effect just after use but within one week I could see my skin glowing and the scars had started to fade . now its been one month of using this product and I can say that my skin is glowing and without any scars or marks . more over if this product is used with correct procedure it can really show amazing results for your skin

    ReplyDelete
  35. Thanks for sharing this amzing site please also visit our site Acne Treatment In Islamabad

    ReplyDelete
  36. very informative article you are providing us.kindly check my blog as well Best Acne Scars treatment in Islamabad

    ReplyDelete

  37. Thanks for Sharing this site kindly visit our site
    How To Get Rid Of Acne Scars

    ReplyDelete
  38. Thanks for sharing this site Kindly visit our site
    Acne Treatment In Islamabad

    ReplyDelete
  39. https://banish.com/blogs/article/my-acne-story

    ReplyDelete
  40. Experience a revolutionary skin care treatment customized for your skin type! Our expert dermatologists provide the highest quality and most effective treatments to help you achieve healthy, glowing skin.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Thanks for sharing this information also visit my site Best Dermatologist in Islamabad

    ReplyDelete

I'd love to hear from you!